How could you do this to me?
All I wanted was to know you better. Like, in the biblical sense. I wanted to “know” you. And by George, I could have shown you the world! What I lack in monetizable skills, I make up for in bedroom enthusiasm. We could be heros, just like that David Bowie song!
But then you had to up and pee in the pool.
Listen. I get it. Politicking isn’t sexy. I know you got scared if you just called Benghazi a terrorist attack, the ladies might dry up and withdraw (out of fear). But if there’s one thing everybody knows, it’s that fear is an aphrodisiac. Being scared is physiologically indiscernible from craving that sweet, sweet dick.
And I can handle the truth, baby.
Tell me about the CIA’s warning in Susan Rice’s report, months before the attack! Remind me it happened on September 11 of an election year (SCARY)! Point out Al-Qaida took credit for it and hey, didn’t somebody email you guys immediately?
Don’t you see? Scary shit is scary, but the truth is always sexy. Who doesn’t want to rock socks with a powerful man with principles?
I guess what I’m trying to say, Obama’s Penis, is stop being a lying piece of shit.
You didn’t want to talk about terrorism in Benghazi because it’s a buzz kill. Fine. But then a 29-year old Redditer from Hawaii says you’ve totally been checking my texts?
Like, seriously, Obama’s Penis: you’ve been saving my email for 7 years? With attachments? WTF! I would have gladly shared those nUD3z with you any day, any night. Open access. But not if you just unilaterally decide to download them yourself, forever, in perpetuity. YOU’RE KILLING THE MYSTERY.
And don’t give me that “It’s cool, baby: checks and balances” talk. We all know that FISA court is a rubber stamp, and even if it wasn’t, you’d still be harshing the Fourth Amendment’s buzz. I mean, you were a constitutional lawyer for fuck sake!
And while we’re talking about the Constitution, maybe tell your bros at the Justice Department to stop wiretapping AP journalists. And tell the IRS to stop politically targeting your opponents. And tell the Secret Service to stop intimidating Twitterers. And tell the Supreme Court the 5th Amendment (or ANY right) does not need to be “invoked” to be a right.
You know, on second thought, Obama’s Penis, I’m good. Please don’t fuck me any more.